


the mortifying ordeal of being forgotten in a tesco car park

by vennix



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Jon gets left in a tesco car park, M/M, Mutual Pining, OG Archival Assistants, can this even be tagged crack treated seriously, im writing these tags at 2am please bare w me, theres literally no excuse for this mess, this was originally gonna be jonmartim so beware of any leftovers of it you see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25427953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vennix/pseuds/vennix
Summary: Jon gets left in a tesco car park. That’s it.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 38
Kudos: 238





	the mortifying ordeal of being forgotten in a tesco car park

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so sorry I don’t have an excuse  
> I wrote this at 2am and I refuse to reread it so please ignore any mistakes

It was Tim’s fault, Jon was sure of it. It had been his idea in the first place, a sort of “fuck you” to Elias for… well, Jon wasn’t actually sure. He didn’t pay attention to petty office drama. Whatever the case, Tim had somehow convinced Martin and Sasha to leave work (it probably wasn’t very hard), and Sasha had convinced Jon to come along.

Despite what the teasing he had to endure might’ve suggested, it very much _hadn’t_ been with threats of Sasha telling Martin of Jon’s crush.

~~It definitely had been.~~

Still, despite whatever methods had been used to lure Jon out of his office, they had all squished into Tim’s shitty car and drove to the nearest Tescos, occasionally yelling at Tim for his terrible driving. 

They made it.

Barely.

They walked in with no plan and Elias’s (Peter’s) credit card. Sasha had stolen it, and no one really wanted to know how she’d done it without losing her hand. 

“Alright, I don’t know where you guys are going, but I’m goin’ straight for the booze,” Tim had said, grinning from ear to ear.

“I’ll go with you, but only if you push me in a shopping cart!” And that’s exactly what they did, ignoring the odd looks from others. Jon stood back, staring at the couple nearly taking down a display of plasticware and pretending he had no idea who those people were. Martin stood next to him and made a remark about how it’d be funny to see them do this while drunk, an idea Jon found incredibly stupid and incredibly entertaining, not that he’d ever admit that out loud.

“What do you plan on doing?” Jon asked.

“I’m not entirely sure, if I’m being honest! I think I’ll get some things to try out some of the new recipes I got,” Martin hummed. Jon always found it endearing to hear Martin's thought process out loud, not that he’d ever mention it. It would probably come off accusatory, and that was certainly one of the last things Jon wanted. 

“Mind if I come with?” Martin grinned, and Jon practically melted.

  
He knew he’d end up following one of his coworkers around the store, and it looked like he had the luck of it being Martin.

If he caught Sasha and Tim filming this whole ordeal, he would kill them.

They had eventually met up again, Sasha sharing the cart with a significant amount of alcohol and several boxes of… pudding mix? Jon didn’t question it. He and Martin dumped what things they’d picked out straight onto Sasha, ignoring her cry of protest. Jon did, at least. Martin had giggled out an apology, which almost killed Jon right then and there.

He’d kill Sasha and replace her with a fake next chance he got. 

The tired woman at the till hadn’t even blinked when they rolled up, and Jon had struggled to imagine what she thought they were all doing. Jon could understand, unfortunately. Working retail meant you saw your fair share of… interesting people, and they most definitely hadn’t been the worst of it.

They’d gone out to the car park, and unloaded their haul- not including Sasha -into Tim’s trunk. Tim had gleefully been going on about Elias being pissed and how they’d get to witness the shitstorm that was sure to come first hand, a prospect Martin had visibly paled at, when Jon realised he’d forgotten his phone in the store. He hadn’t bothered to mention it to the group, slipping away silently.

Maybe he should have said something.

When he had walked back outside to see the car gone, he stood there for a full two minutes, waiting.

  
Was it a prank?  
  


He sighed.

He hated this fucking job.

He pulled out his newly retrieved phone and texted the group chat he hadn’t used since… well, probably since he joined, if he had even said anything then.

  
//

**_Catboy Elias Hate Chat (Titty City)_ **

**_Jonathan Sims_ **

I’ve been left in the car park.

**_Spiders Have Rights!_ **

oh my god Jon I’m so sorry!!

**_slutman_ **

MCMCBDMDN WAS THAT IT?? 

**_unforgettable_ **

o shit I knew we were missing something 

**_Jonathan Sims_ **

I genuinely cannot believe that something was me. You are all terrible.

**_Spiders Have Rights!_ **

Jon I’m so sorry I swear we didn’t mean it!!

i didn’t mean it!!

i’m not entirely sure about Tim though

**_slutman_ **

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME?? IVE NEVER ONCE DONE A BAD THING IN MY LIFE

SLANDER

A CRIME

I TRUSTED YOU

**_Spiders Have Rights!_ **

i’m sorry!! it could be true though!!

**_unforgettable_ **

get his ass martin 

**_Jonathan Sims_ **

As much as I appreciate this, I’m still in a tesco car park. Please come get me.

**_unforgettable_ **

i think you broke tim 

hes CACKLING and its making his driving worse

**_slutman_ **

my own gf,,, betrayal,,,

**_unforgettable_ **

you know im in love with martin babe

**_Spiders Have Rights!_ **

im gay 

**_unforgettable_ **

youre only my trophy husband dw babe

**_slutman_ **

i hate it here yall are mean

**_Spiders Have Rights!_ **

i’m sorry Tim!!

**_Jonathan Sims_ **

Is Tim texting while driving?

**_slutman_ **

sorry dad :(

**_Jonathan Sims_ **

Don’t.

**_slutman_ **

sorry daddy :(

//

Jon wanted to scream. 

Very, very loudly. 

It took longer than it should have, but eventually Tim’s car pulled up, this time with Sasha in the driver's seat. He yanked open the back door and slid in next to Martin, oblivious to the blush he caused by pressing up against him.

It was very quiet.

“So—” And the spell broke. Tim doubled over laughing, choking and maybe trying to say something, but it was completely indistinguishable from the gasps for air. Martin started to apologize profusely, only causing Tim to laugh harder. Sasha was patting Tim’s back, and looking at Jon with eyes that held no pity, or regret.

Oh god.

“Sasha? Did you purposely not say anything?”

“ _Me_? Jon, you wound me. I go and steal Elias’s credit card and this is how you repay me? You are a monster, Jon. You are a terrible friend and I can’t believe you’d accuse me of such an act! I—”

“You knew.”

“I knew.”

Tim started to sound like a cat about to vomit, and Martin looked worried. 

“Tim? Are you alright? Do you need anything?”

“Holy shit. Holy _shit_ . Sasha, please mark this day in my calendars. The day Jonathan Sims got left in a car park. _Holy shit._ ” Jon’s ears were burning from embarrassment, and he knew there was no possible way he could get them to take him seriously ever again.

“Let’s just go back, I can’t take any more of you all.” The ride back was filled with more apologies (Martin), more hysterical laughter (Tim), and empty words of regret from a cold hearted monster that, thankfully, could drive much better than Tim (Sasha). 

They were almost back when Jon realised something.

“Sasha? Did you all actually forget me in the car park? Or do you just think it’s funny to watch my suffering?”

“... we actually forgot you.”

All in all, it was deemed to be a successful trip.

Jon didn’t get a say in this.

**Author's Note:**

> Elias, watching this from his office: why did I fucking hire them  
> My writing style is good for angst!! For panic attacks and spiraling!! Not 2am disasters!  
> if you wanna talk to me about my terrible life decisions I’m on tumblr @dan-wylds


End file.
